The Glorious Leader and saviour of the world Gordon Brown delivers his New Year’s message to his grateful people.
He warned voters not to "wreck the recovery", presumably by voting for someone other than him in next year’s election that has been forced on him.
One wonders if he sees voters who don’t wholeheartedly support him as “saboteurs” and “wreckers”. Maybe they need to be lured out and dealt with for the good of the nation.
One fears the speech may be open to misunderstanding so I have helpfully provided a commentary to assist with certain passages…
Gordon: “important legislation making long-term changes in energy, climate change, health, pensions, planning, housing, education and transport, 2008 will be a year of measurable changes in public services. important legislation making long-term changes in energy, climate change, health, pensions, planning, housing, education and transport, 2008 will be a year of measurable changes in public services.”
Translation: “we will be legislating (as quietly as possible) massive tax hikes to try to cover our pissing away tax payers hard earned cash. We will hide this by pretending it is to save the planet. Maybe we will set some more target that will mess everything up and fiddle the figures to pretend we met them.”
Gordon: ”we will not shirk but see through changes and reforms in the vital area for our future - secure energy, pensions, transport, welfare, education, health and national security.
We will strengthen the democracy and unity of our country. Our priority at all times, our guiding purpose: One Britain of security and opportunity for all the British people.”
Translation: ”So say good-by to some more ancient rights, liberties and freedoms. We will be building power stations where we want and really don’t want to be bothered by your reasonable objections. Oh and if you think you will be allowed to just do things like taking a picture of Nelson’s column or possibly a member of the constabulary shoving an old man over then think again. You can be harassed and arrested for that now.”
Gordon: “ Our strong economy is the foundation. And with unbending determination, in 2008, we will steer a course of stability through global financial turbulence.
The global credit problem that started in America is now the most immediate challenge for every economy and addressing it the most immediate priority.”
Translation: “Our economy that I badly damaged when I was chancellor and carried on treating like my personal piggy bank as PM is pretty shot, but maybe, if I keep saying it’s strong some of you might be stupid enough to believe it. In any case it is the nasty American’s fault and in no way nothing to do with me whatsoever and I do hope you don’t notice everyone else seems to be starting to recover so much more quickly."
Gordon: ”To lead in the skills of the future and create a full employment Britain, we will guarantee young people the right to school or college, an apprenticeship or training free of charge until the age of 18. This is the greatest change in education in our country in half a century.”
Translation: “Unfortunately young people don’t have much hope of getting a job since I did so much to bugger the economy… so I will make sure they stay in full time education - and off the unemployment books as long as humanly possible.”
Gordon: ”To lead in safeguarding the environment, the climate change bill will make Britain the first country to legislate legally-binding cuts in carbon emissions.
And because a good environment is good economics, we will take the difficult decisions on energy security - on nuclear power and renewables - so British invention and innovation can claim new markets for new technologies and create hundreds of thousands of new jobs.“
Translation: ”We will tie a stealth taxation ball and chain round the economy’s leg and as I said build Wind farms and Nuclear Power stations where we damned well please – Got it?”
Gordon: "To build for the future of our families and our economy, we are starting the biggest housing programme to boost owner occupation - and will provide historic levels of investment in transport and infrastructure through Crossrail, at Heathrow and across the country.
Translation: ”We will build crap housing and instant sink estates where we please and by historic we mean something as useful and popular as the Beaching cuts. There’s historic for you”
Gordon: ”we will not be deflected from our commitment to cleaner hospitals and to change to increase the opening hours of GP surgeries.”
Translation: ”Lets hope the thicko voters don’t remember we have had over a decade to fix all this stuff already and just made it noticeably worse. Especially GPs hours with that cocked up new contract we came up with, everyone knows you used to be able to get your own Doctor to visit your home in an emergency, now you have to talk to NHS direct on the phone and then get to make your own way to a centre or call an ambulance if they think you need it.”
Gordon: “We have other promises to keep, from neighbourhood policing in every community to the renewal of our democracy and the revival of confidence in our political process. We will define a new citizenship of rights and responsibilities - and establish a new points system as a condition of living and working in Britain.”
Translation: ”Yes I know you don’t trust the police much anymore after we politicised them got them arresting law abiding members of the public instead of criminals and tied them up with targets and red tape so they cant patrol. But we hope if we start to pick on those immigrants we encouraged in the first place as stealth ideological social engineering maybe you won’t vote for that bastard Griffin.”
Gordon: ”And in 2008, with firm conviction and resolve, we will make the case for the United Kingdom - standing up for the cause of the Union and against secession, showing people in all parts of the country that for so many of the challenges our country faces - from climate change to terrorism - there are no Wales-only, Scotland-only or England-only solutions.”
Translation: ”…and talking of bastards... You little shit Salmond! If you think you are cutting away what’s left of my political support you have another think coming. You just want to be a big frog in a small pond and are throwing away the large big UK pond the Scots are already in charge of - Idiot!!”
Gordon: "And in 2008, with firm conviction and resolve, we will make the case for the United Kingdom - standing up for the cause of the Union and against secession, showing people in all parts of the country that for so many of the challenges our country faces - from climate change to terrorism - there are no Wales-only, Scotland-only or England-only solutions.”
Translation: ”In your face Salmond. – one peep from you and we will nail you with being soft on terrorism, especially after you let that Libyan out of jail”
Gordon: "This season is above all a time to pay tribute to those who serve and sacrifice for our country, often in places far away. And we pledge that the men and women on the frontlines of our security, at home and overseas, will have all the resources they need for our defence and their own safety.”
Translation: ”Hurrah for our good old troops!! See how patriotic I am folks… don’t you pay any mind to the fact that we have looked down on the sort of people who are willing to defend their country for decade. Or that we have cut their numbers, equipment and funding to the bone - while expanding the civil service and useless parasitic Quangos. Or the fact that to actually supply half decent kit after a public outcry we are going to gut other areas of defence funding even more. Hurrah for the troops!”
And hey folks! Don't forget you can take a Labour Manifesto Promise straight to the failing bank of Neverpay.
It's Legal, it's official you can't reasonably expect them to deliver on them.